The Untouchable

Your twenty sixth birthday went past, all the transient romances ceased, your adolescent lust turned into thirst for a more timeless bond.

Never before you met a soul so impeccable; whimsical words born from their fetching fingers, constant supplies of contagious laughter they radiate into the realm, modesty within all the sincere kindness they touch the Earth with, the way they cover their grace with elegance, all the exemplary talents people wish to steal,

all sublimity you can barely touch. When boundaries are higher than discrepancy, bigger than numbers, stronger than faith,

all that is solely out of your reach. Even skins, even the tip of their fingers where affection is preserved for too long,

even the whole lot of things you wish you could caress.

Are they worth the yearnings?

Interstellar

Often times I notice how the edge of my heliosphere intersects with yours; in such bizarre motion that hauls me to the same loop of conundrum all over again. Inconvenient gestures that come into sight because; expectancy arisen; yet solicitude that interferes. Whether or not my conjecture makes sense, or your presumption is legitimate. Questions that we could answer harmlessly, but we choose not to.

In my universe of books, white coffee, oil paintings, humans’ expressions immortalized in black and white images, you happen to be the wet empty bench in the midst of a city park. Lonesome, unharmed, but seemingly refusing to be saved at the same time. What am I in yours? Amongst abstract tunes, movies from the 50’s, Darjeeling tea, and pages of short movie screenplays?

Perhaps a dusty shoe on top of the rack of that store. Attached to the other pair, unable to be saved either.

Moonlit Midnight of Men Murmuring

1:01 AM and somewhere across her room, a soul is responsible for unnecessary assumptions passing into her head.

Why, of all implausible excuses she keeps inventing by herself, this particular one turns out to be the most provoking?

Observation doesn’t seem to be of any help, she needs to ponder. Deep. Into rooms where perception and feelings are stored for long, for she has always been way too afraid to get close by.

But the answer has always been complicated and difficult, either to translate, or to appreciate.

All she knows that some things linger. And remain. And never escape.

Gentle pats on her head, awkward arms around her, the curly edges of ivory hair blown away by afternoon breeze,

the fairest colour of skin she has ever witnessed,

all that she saw, all that she felt because.

Slight details she would rather disremember about.

Somewhere across her room, two bodies are inside each other’s, yet it doesn’t scare her. For the only freedom she owns is her own train of thoughts, as her heart is sealed with loyalty, and her body is bounded with grace.

She just believes there’s a space for her,

always. Even between the adhered surfaces of two skins against each other that night.

She’s an entity he wouldn’t unhand.

Not now.

Stadiums Shrines

In a world where the fine line between white and black is sometimes undecipherable, there gets to be some time when everything becomes just clear and readable—in absence of the gray or blurred intervals. Spaces between your eyelids and that couple of brownish circles. Silvery dust flowing away from my face every time I breathe. Sheets of papers with your terrible handwriting on them.

Among things that are white, those are the ones I enjoy spending time to look at the most. Where truth be found, and things are absolute, with no transitions. Eyes that don’t hide lies, scattered dots showing where the atmosphere flows, and writings of non-fiction that are disguised in novels or fairy tales. Unlike snows that melt, the walls between our rooms that crack, or the back side of those photographs of your face which eventually turn to yellow.

Somewhere along the fine line, I can see the other side where things are all the contrary. Black, and unlit. Like the total eclipse of your heart before this story comes to life. Or the conservative mind of mine before our lives intersect.

In other word, the past before us.


 

iii

Puji-puji tentang rumput yang disapa oleh kado kiriman dari langit, pipa-pipa di ujung atap rumah yang diminta bernyanyi riuh bersama anak-anak awan, rambut-rambut yang basah setelah dirangkul tanpa jeda oleh malaikat dari angkasa yang mengharap pertemuan dengan Dewi Bumi. Ruang-ruang di antara rusukku kini dihias dengan krisan dan bakung tempat kupu-kupu bermain hompimpa sehabis gilirannya kilat dan gemuruh.

Setelahnya,

diam-diam kukirim doa dan salam paling bersahaja untuk Sapardi Djoko Damono dan Cholil Mahmud yang telah berkisah tentang hujan yang sentimentil di bulan Juni dan Desember.


 

ii

Di udara kita menyaksikan salam-salam berbungkus kertas kado keemasan beterbangan—sayapnya dari gula-gula kapas yang menguar dari uap bibirmu saat mengeja gramatika tentang utopia pada turun salju sebelum subuh—menunggu disambut tangan-tangan gadis yang ruang-ruang di antara rusuknya berisi harap-harap yang kekal mengendap.

Continue reading “ii”

Predawn

Half of the daytime I own your ease. Transient minute of caressing your coiffure; a brief moment of fingertips gently crossing the skins; and a momentary glance of your head falling to my shoulder; how’s it feel to dwell in constancy of not to leave anywhere and just settle down for a moment, to let the passing seconds fleet around you? I might have just asked a question you would never be able to resolve.

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Heart & Soul

At the elegiac words of your ode, even ache could be somewhat flawless. Your je ne sais quoi turns twinge into pleasure in disguise, like fading colours of daybreak in the border of the city and the sky. As fine as white and washed-out ivory, but less romantic than the contrast of urban lights and evening horizon. You define pain as if it is just a peach rosebud. A patisserie that is closed every Saturday. A loverboy two thousand miles away promising to be back home.They would eventually grow some happiness just yet, you believe.

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We don’t have beaches today

We don’t own the white sands and beautiful corals to lie around our bare feet as well. We don’t even get to see the gulls coming back home. For today is a treat for tryst, a secret rendezvous arranged so that our longing for serenity at the shorelines wouldn’t hurt that much, because we could always share it for two. A very secret meeting that you yourself would not know you are going to attend one.

Continue reading “We don’t have beaches today”