A State of Paralysis

My mind had attempted to lure me into resorting towards anything that might offer me even the slightest bit of non-numbness.

But I never thought of the idea of adding others into the equation, still. Because even in that desperation, my priority was to protect you, always. Regardless of songs that came into mind, awkward memories that were only shared between two, faces that resembled my pills of ecstasy, scattered ruins of chances not taken, and all the possibilities that were ever so endless.

It embarrassed me that my journal from years ago was filled with stories of others but you. And that I, shamefully, miss them today. I’m supposed to be safely anchored to you. Even in this sea of confusion and temptation, I was supposed to praise you like I never did others. And aren’t you supposed to make me certain that our ship sails towards home? Or is it all my fault for wanting to feel happy again?

Am I just confused, temporarily, or permanently out of passion?

Why did I replay memories that are not ours? Why do I so badly want to feel something, anything? Why am I suddenly scared of heading into the eye of the storms although the sky seems perfectly clear?

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